People Pleasing: Overcoming the Urge to Always Say "Yes"
We've all done it at some point. Sometimes it’s just easier to give in and go with the flow in order to avoid confrontation or a need to justify your actions. But what’s the real cost of chronic people pleasing? While it may seem harmless, constantly putting others' needs before your own can lead to significant emotional and psychological consequences.
What is People Pleasing?
People pleasing involves prioritising others' desires and expectations over your own, often at the expense of your well-being. It’s characterised by a strong need for approval, fear of conflict, and difficulty saying "no." While being considerate and accommodating can be positive traits, chronic people pleasing becomes problematic when it leads to neglect of your own needs and feelings.
Why Do We People Please?
The urge to please others can stem from various sources, including:
Desire for Approval:
Many people pleasers are driven by a deep-seated need for acceptance and validation. They may believe that being agreeable and helpful will make them more likable and valued.
Fear of Conflict:
Avoiding confrontation is a significant motivator. People pleasers often fear that saying "no" or asserting their needs will lead to arguments or negative judgments from others.
Low Self-Esteem:
Those with low self-esteem may feel that their worth is tied to their ability to make others happy. They might believe they have to earn love and respect through constant accommodation.
Neurodiverse Conditions:
People with neurodiverse conditions, such as Autism, ADHD, AuDHD, may develop people-pleasing behaviours as coping mechanisms. They might struggle with social cues and use people pleasing as a way to navigate social interactions more smoothly.
Impact of Childhood:
Growing up in an environment where your needs were unmet or where you were only valued for your compliance can significantly influence people-pleasing tendencies. If you learned that love and approval were conditional on your behavior, you might continue to seek validation through pleasing others.
The Real Cost of People Pleasing
Chronic people pleasing can have severe repercussions on mental and emotional health:
Emotional Exhaustion: Constantly catering to others can lead to burnout and a feeling of being overwhelmed.
Resentment: Suppressing your own needs and desires can breed resentment towards those you’re trying to please, and even towards yourself for allowing it.
Loss of Identity: Over time, you may lose touch with your own preferences, goals, and desires, becoming unsure of who you are or what you want.
Mental Health Issues: Chronic people pleasers are at higher risk for anxiety, depression, and stress-related disorders due to the constant pressure they place on themselves.
How to Stop Being a People Pleaser
Overcoming people-pleasing tendencies involves building self-awareness and practicing self-compassion. Here are some strategies to help you start living for yourself:
Set Boundaries:
Learn to set and enforce healthy boundaries. Understand that it’s okay to say "no" and that your needs are just as important as others'.
Seek Professional Support:
A qualified psychotherapist, especially one with experience can provide valuable guidance. Therapy can help you understand the root causes of your people-pleasing behaviours and develop healthier patterns.
Practice Self-Care:
Prioritise activities and practices that nurture your well-being. This could include hobbies, exercise, mindfulness, or simply taking time to relax and recharge.
Challenge Negative Beliefs:
Identify and challenge the beliefs that drive your need to please others. Replace negative self-talk with affirmations of your worth and value.
Build Self-Esteem:
Engage in activities that boost your confidence and self-esteem. Recognise and celebrate your strengths and achievements, no matter how small.
Communicate Assertively:
Develop assertive communication skills to express your needs and opinions clearly and respectfully. Practice saying "no" or “no thank you” in a firm but polite manner.
Conclusion
People pleasing is a common behaviour with deep-rooted causes and significant consequences. By understanding why we do it and recognising its impact, we can begin to take steps towards healthier, more authentic relationships with ourselves and others. Remember, it's okay to put yourself first and seek support when needed.
A qualified psychotherapist can offer support to help you overcome people-pleasing tendencies and start living a life that truly reflects your own needs and desires. Your journey towards self-empowerment and well-being begins with the courage to prioritise yourself.
